Congratulations to the idiots who signed up for the Great American Monkey 1000. A thousand kilometers of sheer chaos atop either a Honda or a poorly welded Chinese knockoff held together by optimism and rust. If you thought this was a good idea, well, you're one of us now. Welcome to the brotherhood of bad decisions.
Here’s the deal: You’ll never be fully ready. You’ll bring too much crap or forget something vital (probably toilet paper). You’ll probably break something on your bike or your body and it won’t even be the cool kind of story. But, as experienced experts in doing dumb things, here’s a highly questionable guide to help you prepare.
Sort of.
1. Packing: Low and Slow, Not High and Dumb
Let’s start with the basics: don’t strap half your garage to the back of your seat. Trust us, we’ve had people do it. If your Monkey or CT70 looks like a Walmart clearance rack on wheels, you’re going to regret it. Every injury we’ve seen boils down to this: too much junk strapped in all the wrong places. One genius brought a pound cake… seriously, Not a gas station snack size, like a full bakery pound cake, and guess what? He broke his collarbone because his bike was so overloaded it handled like a drunken shopping cart. Don’t be that guy.
What You Should Do:
Saddlebags: Get something small, light, and not totally embarrassing. You’re aiming for 10-15 liters per side. Anything bigger and you’ll look like a lopsided piñata. Don’t have fancy gear? That’s fine. Throw-over Amazon canvas bags work, as long as you keep the weight low and balanced. Or just duct-tape a couple of grocery bags to your frame, same difference. When it comes to mounting saddlebags, we’ve seen it all: guys welding their own racks that look like they belong in a Mad Max movie, cookie sheets repurposed as heat shields, and hose clamps rigged as spacers because, apparently, Home Depot is the adventure outfitter of choice. Whatever you do, just make sure you have something to protect your saddlebags. Anything like custom pannier racks, Kevlar, aluminum spacer, or anything that won’t catch fire when your exhaust pipe decides to turn up the heat.
Keep the Seat Clear: You need every inch of that seat to shift your weight. If you’re cramming gear back there, you might as well ride a unicycle. You need the ability to move around. Counterbalancing on a trail is hard enough without a mountain of crap strapped to your seat.
Avoid Overloading the Rear Rack: Those cheap racks on Chinese clones are about as reliable as a politician’s promise. They were designed to carry, at best, a loaf of bread and your regrets. Anything heavier, and it’ll snap faster than your spirit on Day two.
If you’re like “But I need my full espresso-making setup!” you’ll figure out real fast that cappuccinos don’t pair well with collarbone fractures. Pack light, keep the weight low, and for the love of all things holy, leave the pound cake at home.
2. Shelter: The Bare Minimum (or Nothing At All)
Look, some of you are rugged mountain men who can sleep on the ground in a ball of wet leaves. One guy literally doesn’t bring a tent. He just wraps himself in a few blankets, curls up like a sad burrito, and passes out wherever gravity wins. Good for him.
For the rest of us who enjoy pretending we’re civilized:
Tent: Any small one-person tent will do, but we recommend bikepacking-specific tents for a few reasons: they’re lightweight, have shorter poles for easier packing, and often come with handy features like waterproof bags designed to mount to handlebars. The MSR Hubba Hubba Bikepack tent available in one-person and two-person models, is a standout option. The two-person version might weigh a bit more, but the extra room means all your gear stays inside with you, safe from rain, wind, and the occasional desert critter deciding your boots make a cozy Airbnb. Sure, you could skip the tent and gamble with scorpions, but why?
Sleeping Bag: The Moab desert can have significant temperature fluctuations. While daytime temperatures may still be warm, nighttime temperatures often drop dramatically, especially in exposed areas or higher elevations. A cheap wool blanket might keep you alive, but freezing in the desert at 3 a.m. is not ideal. Look for a sleeping bag rated for around -6°C. Down sleeping bags are great because they pack small and save space. Water-resistant down is a smart upgrade in case of unexpected rain. A proper sleeping bag is worth the investment
Sleeping Pad: Yes, you’ll want one. Unless you enjoy feeling every rock, stick, and regret beneath you. Also they are not just for comfort they are survival. The Earth is like a giant heat vampire, ready to suck every ounce of warmth out of you. If you think you can tough it out without one, we’ll see how you feel when you’re cold, bruised, and cranky by sunrise.
If you forget all of this, you’ll survive. Probably. But don’t say we didn’t warn you when you wake up spooning a cactus.
3. Fuel Storage: The Art of Not Running Dry
You know the one. There’s always one guy who miscalculates his fuel range and ends up stranded in the middle of nowhere, hoping someone brought an extra liter of gas. Spoiler: they didn’t. For those of us riding Honda CT70s, fuel storage is mission-critical. A side-mounted auxiliary tank is practically mandatory. It bolts right onto the CT70, giving you an extra liter of fuel, and yes, it does require some petcock-fuckery with your fuel system, but trust me, it’s worth it.
What You Should Do:
2 to 3 Liters of Extra Fuel: Aluminum bottles work great, and MOLLE water bottle pouches make mounting them easy. No one should carry less than two extra liters.
Small Fuel Bladder: If you need a little more capacity, a 3-liter collapsible fuel bladder (like the Giant Loop Gas Bag or Desert Fox) is perfect. Anything bigger is overkill unless your plan is to open a gas station halfway through the trip. Just don’t forget to secure them tightly. Loose gas bags sloshing around are a recipe for disaster, not to mention a potential fireball.
4. Hydration: Don’t Die of Stupidity
You’re in the desert. It’s hot. You’re sweating. Bring water. Lots of it. If you have space for a water filter, even better. Sure, you might not need it, but if you find yourself stranded next to a questionable stream, you’ll thank me when you’re sipping filtered water instead of gambling on Giardia. Dehydration is real. Bring 2-3 liters of water in a hydration pack. If you’re thinking, “Oh, I’ll just drink when I get thirsty,” let me remind you: thirst is already your body screaming, “Dude, we’re dying.”
Recommendations:
CamelBak M.U.L.E.: This pack gives you 3 liters of water and some extra space for snacks, spare socks, or that toothbrush you’ll pretend to use. Any hydration pack will work, but this one is solid.
Water Filtration: Pair a Sawyer Squeeze filter with a CNOC Vecto or Vesica bottle. You don’t need both, but you’ll want something better than the garbage bag that comes with the filter. Collect dirty water, screw the filter on, and either squeeze it into your hydration pack or drink straight from the bottle. Easy.
These are just our recommendations. Any hydration pack is better than nothing. You don’t need to spend $150 on a high-end CamelBak when a $20 Amazon special will still hold water and keep you from dying of thirst. At the end of the day, all you really need is a bladder to carry water. Whether you go with a budget pack or the luxury model, just don’t be the guy relying on a single plastic bottle you found in the gas station parking lot.
5. Electronics: Keep Your Stuff Alive
Between GPS, your phone, and your helmet comms, you’ll need a way to keep everything charged. Here’s the best setup:
USB Ports on Your Bike:
The best solution is a direct USB port installed on your bike. Look for one with an on/off switch to prevent battery drain when the bike is not in use. Many options also include a voltage meter, allowing you to monitor your bike’s battery health.
Installation Tip: Wire the USB port directly to your bike’s battery, ensuring the connection is secure and the switch is easily accessible.
12-Volt Cigarette Lighter Adapters: These are another viable option, allowing you to plug in USB converters or other 12-volt devices.
Portable USB Battery Bricks:
Carry a high-capacity portable battery to charge devices when the bike is off. Plug it into your bike’s USB port while riding to keep it topped off, and use it to charge phones, GPS units, or communication systems when you're at camp or on a break.
Solar Panels: While not the most efficient option, small foldable solar panels can supplement your charging setup, especially in sunny conditions. These can be hung off your backpack or laid out at camp to collect energy.
6. Communication: Talk, Don’t Shout
Gone are the days of frantic hand signals and yelling over the sound of your wheezing bike. Get a helmet comm system. You’ll thank us when you wipe out and need to let your team know you’re pinned under your bike (yes, this happened).
Cardo Packtalk Edge: This system is perfect. It’s waterproof, has a 13-hour battery, and connects up to 15 riders with a mesh network. It even works when riders drop in and out of range. Plus, you can scream insults at each other while navigating tricky terrain.
7. Tools and Maintenance: Fix It Yourself
Your bike is going to break. Sorry, it’s just a fact. These bikes are barely roadworthy on a good day, and you’re about to subject them to a thousand kilometers of abuse.
Tool Kit: Let’s talk tools. A multi-tool is fine for minor fixes, but for real repairs, you need a lightweight but functional toolkit. Think of it as your Swiss Army knife on steroids. Your toolkit should include everything necessary to fix a chain, adjust your carburetor, or tighten a bolt that wants to escape mid-ride. And a portable air pump is a must-have.
Spare Parts: Bring spare tubes, tire patch kit, spark plugs, a chain master link, and anything else prone to failing. If it’s cheap and small, pack it.
If you’re running tubeless tires, bring a tube anyway. If you can’t seat the bead, you can always toss a tube in and limp your way to the next stop. A tire patch kit is essential for either setup. Carbureted engines? Pack a jet kit. Sometimes these temperamental machines need a little persuasion to keep running. Tuning might not solve everything, but at least you can pretend you know what you’re doing.
8. Rain Gear: Your Call
You don’t need rain gear…until you do. Then you’ll really wish you had it. A lightweight rain jacket and pants pack small and could save you from hours of misery.
9. Safety: From Flip-Flops to Full-On Mad Max
We’ve seen it all. One guy showed up in what can only be described as medieval knight cosplay (yes, actual armor), while another guy decided shirts were optional and rode bare-chested into the sun. Safety is your choice, but let’s break it down so you can avoid joining the Monkey 1000 Injury Hall of Fame.
Helmet and Eye Protection: This isn’t negotiable. Helmets are mandatory because your brain is, debatably, the most valuable thing you’re bringing on this trip. Eye protection is also required because riding through sand and dirt with your eyes closed is not a solid strategy.
Gloves: Listen, the first thing that hits the ground when you crash isn’t your pride, it’s your hands. Riding without gloves is just plain dumb. Protect those mitts because rocks, gravel, and cactus spines aren’t kind to bare skin.
Armor and Pads: Padded motorcycle jackets and pants are always a smart move. Desert rocks have a special way of reminding you that you're fragile. Hip and knee pads are lifesavers when you inevitably slam into something that doesn’t move. Some guys wear full moto suits, while others rock overalls with integrated knee pads and call it good. Whatever you choose, just remember that you’ll regret every decision when you’re picking gravel out of your knees.
Comfort vs. Safety: At the end of the day, it’s your call. Do you want to look cool and take risks or dress like a stormtrooper and laugh in the face of danger? Either way, just wear a helmet because even bad decisions deserve a little bit of protection.
The real rule? Ride within your limits. If you’re not into extreme hill climbs or sketchy single tracks, stick to dirt roads. Work with your team to plan routes that match everyone’s skill level. Nobody wants to see you tumble down a ravine, unless it’s funny and you catch it on camera.
Final Thoughts: Welcome to the Stupid Club
It's the stories, the struggles, and the camaraderie that make the Great American Monkey 1000 unforgettable. You’re going to laugh, you’re going to swear, and you’re probably going to break something.
And that’s exactly the point.
Great advice. Thanks.