You had a chance. You could have walked away. You could have ignored this ridiculous event and continued living your perfectly normal, reasonable life. But no. You saw a 1,000-kilometer endurance test on 76 cm tall motorcycles through some of the most punishing terrain in North America and thought, "Yes. That sounds like a good idea."
Well, congratulations. You are either a fearless adventurer or an absolute fool. Either way, we have great news! Thanks to a sudden burst of logistical wizardry (and probably a clerical error), we have pried open more spots for this glorious disaster of a trip. Consider this your official invitation to throw caution, comfort, and common sense out the window.
For the Uninitiated (a.k.a. the Poor Souls Who Still Think This Is a Good Idea)
From September 27th to October 5th, you will embark on a 1,000-kilometer, seven-day odyssey through the breathtaking and merciless Moab desert. You, hunched over a 76 cm tall Honda monkey bike (new, vintage, or Chinese clone), crawling along at a blistering 32 km/h. You will question your life choices. You will break down, both physically and emotionally. And you will love every second of it.
Oh, and in case you thought we would make this easy, there is no designated route. Instead, in the months and weeks leading up to the event, you will receive cryptic letters, postcards, and parcels postmarked from one Dash Remington, a rugged explorer who has scouted the terrain ahead. His messages will contain clues, riddles, and the kind of advice that may or may not lead you straight into disaster. Your team must decipher these hints, plan your own route, and navigate the wilderness however you see fit.
By nightfall, most riders will miraculously find their way to the same destination, but how you get there? That is entirely your problem. If you break down, your team is your lifeline. If you get lost, no one is coming to find you. If you fail to reach the next stop, you had better figure something out, because adventure does not come with a safety net.
Why Moab?
Because it is stunning, unforgiving, and just the right amount of stupid. You will traverse red rock canyons, bottomless sand pits, and trails so rugged they make grown men cry. And yet, somehow, you are still reading this, thinking, "This sounds like my kind of adventure!"
Spoiler alert: You are our kind of idiot.
The Details (Not That It Will Help You)
This is not just a ride, it is an experience. And like any truly legendary experience, it comes with a completely arbitrary, utterly nonsensical points system. Points will be awarded, deducted, and redistributed in ways that defy logic, reason, and basic arithmetic. Did you fix your bike with duct tape and blind optimism? 4.8 million points. Did you find a shortcut that turned into a multi-hour detour? Congratulations, you are now 37 billion points in the lead. Did you wear a banana costume the entire time, despite the relentless heat and overwhelming regret? Bonus 300,000 points, because style matters.
But make no mistake, winning is not about the numbers. It is about who had the best, wildest, most ridiculous adventure. And if you want to rack up favor with your all-powerful, misguided judges? Well, there is no surefire way to win, but there are plenty of ways to make a case for your team. Maybe you psychologically tormented the competition with a relentless campaign of “We already won” stickers slapped onto their bikes when they weren’t looking. Maybe you turned every breakdown into a social event. Or maybe, just maybe, you pulled off the kind of absurd, last-minute stunt that will be talked about for years.
This is not about being the fastest. This is not about playing it safe. This is about legend-making. And legends, as we all know, thrive in the fine balance between mischief and mayhem tempered by the fact that we are, above all, gentlemen of adventure.
Document your journey with photos and videos, and you might just walk away with the coveted Banana Cup, the most prestigious trophy in all of motorsports. And if things get too close to call? Well, let’s just say there may be a tiebreaker, a completely unexpected, possibly humiliating challenge where only one team will emerge victorious!
Why Join?
Because deep down, you know that life is too short to be reasonable. You are not here for the sensible choice. You are here for the chaos, the camaraderie, and the chance to earn eternal bragging rights as one of the most gloriously unhinged riders on the planet.
Are you ready?
Before you start daydreaming about your 1,000-kilometer ride to glory, there is one little detail, you must be a member of the Adventureman’s Guild to participate.
So, if you want to take part in this, or any other ridiculous adventure we cook up, your first step is simple: join the guild.
Sign up today. And prepare to make some terrible, wonderful decisions.
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